Emily and I had the pleasure to present our recovery stories during this week’s McLean Hospital Crafting Support Project 2023 Family Webinars. 

With the help of 22 Power Point slides and photos from my childhood, Gould Farm, work and more I shared my experience with mental illness from 14 years old to the present. Highlights included a tribute to my parents who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and a picture of Emily and me hiking up to Zealand Falls in the White Mountains of New Hampshire (see slides below).

Emily talked about her mom’s tough love, forcing her into Payne Whitney Hospital’s psychiatric ward. Her mom had to literally peel Emily’s fingers from the doorway and coerce her into a cab, saying she wasn’t going to let her back into the house.

Emily talked about how hard it was for her when I was too depressed to get up in the morning, and how support from her family helped her stay in our relationship. We both said how proud we were of each other: Emily citing my determination to succeed in a fast paced, cutting-edge research laboratory and I her bravery in the face of cancer diagnoses.

Several friends, including my childhood friend Marvin with whom I’d lost touch with for 25 years attended the webinar. Dr. Patterson, our psychiatrist of 25 years, called to congratulate us minutes after the webinar ended. It was immensely gratifying that these people who have had a big influence in my life were there to support me.

To tell or not to tell?

I used the pen name Alexander Bela Kirk when self-publishing my memoir about my struggle with mental illness for a lot of reasons. There is a lot of fear and misunderstanding about “mental illness”. The first and last time I voluntarily told an employer that I took medication for depression, I was forced to quit within a few days. Granted, I wasn’t doing as well as I am now, but the stakes are much higher. I have a career I love as a research technician. Even more importantly, my wife is a two-time survivor of breast cancer, and we both depend on the excellent health care coverage we receive from my job.

Part of me aches to tell the truth about how hard things have been and what an effort it is to manage my illness and hold down a responsible, demanding job in a cutting edge research laboratory. Another part of me worries that the added stress of self-consciousness, should my co-workers and superiors find out, would tip the delicate balance I have achieved and sink my ship. Hence, I live a double life, one as an extremely competent research technician and the other as a writer and person who still struggles with depression and the accompanying distorted thoughts.

I also would like to take ownership of my memoir, because I have written it to break down barriers and give hope to people living with mental illness and their families. I stand by every word in the book. It is the truth, it is my story, and it is the story of many like me. And so, for now, only those in my family and my closest friends know I wrote this book.

I hope now that you know my dilemma, you will not judge me harshly for concealing my real name, and that it will not detract from your experience should you decide to read my memoir. If you haven’t yet done so, feel free to look inside the book and read the reviews by clicking on the link to the book on Amazon.com at the bottom of the homepage. I would love to hear your feedback about the book or this website. My email address is in the contact page. Thank you!